just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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