I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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