That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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