i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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