I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
