i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
