I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
