Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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