I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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