dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
