You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
