i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
