Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
