wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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