we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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