just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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