Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
