so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
