I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
