I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
