She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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