forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
