My sheets look like a crime scene.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i think my cat just said my name.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
