We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
