whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
