dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
