she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
