I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Boobs are out for the taking
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
