You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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