My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
