You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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