True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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