I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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