There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
