My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
