I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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