you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
