I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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