It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
