I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Vodka?
Forever.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
