Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
