Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
