dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
