The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
