Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
