I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
