I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
