I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
