Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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