White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
